Performing Differently, Not Perfectly
Helping Athlete Go Beyond Perfectionism and Perform (And Live) With Wholeness
I recently gave a presentation on perfectionism to a college dance team. It centered around explaining perfectionism, how it shows up, what’s behind it, and how they can move forward without succumbing to the compulsive need to prove oneself by being perfect.
This difference is the outside-in approach versus the inside-out approach. For most athletes, they became overly attached to their sport somewhere along their journey. They began to stake their identity in it and they thought their reputation waxed and waned with their performance.
Why does this happen?
For many reasons, but one overarching factor is the insecurity inside of us. We are vulnerable people. We are fragile. We try to avoid pain, and part of pain is mental, emotional, and social, not just physical. If we are experiencing insecurity and that leads to negative emotions such as anxiety, sadness, self-embarrassment, guilt, shame, and anger, then we will try to avoid those experiences with their accompanying thoughts and behaviors. To protect ourselves from experiencing those things where we feel less than or alone or hurt or small, we try to gain approval to buffer ourselves from these harmful possibilities. This starts the outside-in approach to performance. We learn to use athletics as a means to an end. What’s the end? The absence of pain and insecurity.
Yet, the more approval we try to earn, the more we try to grasp at higher status signaling and garner attention, the more the insecurity devours us. What starts as an attempt to feel less insecure, becomes a proven method for feeling more insecure. And in the process we lose ourselves. We become more fragmented and lost and empty.
Essentially, this is what perfectionism is in any athlete, it’s an anxiety-ridden disposition towards performance wrongfully wishing that if one is perfect then they will finally be enough. They believe they’ll experience peace (wholeness) and inner security, satisfaction, and unity when they finally achieve perfection. Yet, the more they chase earning that enoughness the less in touch with it they are.
GET IN TOUCH WITH WHOLENESS
I believe that wholeness is inside of us. I think each athlete contains this wholeness and thus a powerful force inside of them in their very identity. There’s a source of strength, healing, desire, and meaning inside. Instead of trying to prove oneself through reputation roulette, the key is to understand that it’s already within them. This is the inside-out approach to athletics.
The challenge is to get in touch with this enoughness, this self-worth, this peace inside of oneself. Then doing comes out of being. Rather than the other way around. One can move and express and play from that inner security like a free child at a playground. There’s joy and gratitude and spirit.
Yet, there also remains the challenges of negative internal and external experiences. There will still be those same negative emotions and thoughts (though probably at a different intensity and flavor and tone) and hardships in the environment to face. But, there will be connection to something more powerful and thus the moment won’t get reduced down to those aspects but can transcend it. There’s no absence of pain or insecurity. There is, however, choices to make where one becomes connected to something larger than that pain and insecurity. And this force can endure and transform any difficult, unpleasant, or negative aspect of competition and life.
HOW TO HELP
What can we do to help athletes get grounded in their inner strength and compete from the inside rather than get caught up in proving themselves on the outside?
Help them identify their values that make up who they are at their core.
People tend to highlight someone’s positive attributes or tell them they’re pretty or talented to help them feel better. But this keeps things on the surface. It might alleviate some negative feelings or distract negative thoughts for a moment, but it doesn’t touch the heart of the matter. And the heart of the matter is the heart. Who are they are their core? Identify values, which are characteristics and qualities that make them them. Such as courageous, wise, kind, generous, loyal, intelligent, etc. These are not exhaustive but they help an athlete get in touch with who they are beyond their performance and beneath the surface.
Clarify actions that embody these values in their sport.
With no actions to take, step one would be barely helpful. Get clear and specific on what actions embody these values. In other words, how would you know they are fully being themselves and performing out inner strength rather than insecurity? These are the things they can do to step more into this inside-out approach rather than continually getting caught up in the outside-in approach. So these actions give us a map and an accountability method.
Encourage them to live these out inside and outside of their sport.
Support and encourage them to embody these values, get in touch with who they are through reflection and action, and take the harder road in tough moments of competition and training. This is not the sexy thing. This is not the externally rewarding thing. This is for health, development, identity, and all the deeper things that matter so much more, yet we leave them on the backburner. Be in their corner.
Affirm those values through the fluctuations in performance (both highs and lows).
Whether it’s a successful performance or a poor one, affirm the values. This keeps things rooted in the process and shines the light on their identity being bigger than outcomes. It keeps performance in its proper place (not too big, not too small). Affirm their actions and how they expressed who they are through what they did and how they related to themselves, others, and the game.
We all need relationships in our lives to help us realize and believe that we are enough. Otherwise, we waste time chasing the new shiny thing or trying to desperately prove ourselves out of insecurity and anxiety.
The reality is that there is worthiness, strength, talent, values, and power inside of us waiting to be connected to and expressed through our performances and lives. Help young athletes experience this.